Beyond Loss: Understanding Grief and How EMDR Therapy Can Help Us Heal
Grief is one of the most universal human experiences — and yet one of the most misunderstood.
It’s often associated with death, but grief can arise from any kind of loss: the end of a relationship, a change in health, the loss of identity, safety, or a dream we once held dear.
As a trauma therapist, I see grief appear in many forms. Sometimes it’s clear and nameable. Other times, it hides beneath exhaustion, irritability, or a quiet sense that something has shifted inside us — and we can’t quite find our footing again.
Grief, at its core, is our brain and body trying to adapt to a world that has changed without our consent.
What Is Grief, Really?
Grief is not a problem to fix — it’s a process of reorientation.
When we experience loss, our nervous system and attachment system go into overdrive, trying to understand: Where do I belong now? How do I find safety? What do I do without what I’ve lost?
One of the most helpful ways I’ve heard this described comes from Krista Helman, EMDR Consultant and trainer, on the Designer Practice Podcast (Episode 138). She explains that grief disrupts what she calls our “assumptive world” — the internal sense of how life works, how we find connection, and how we get our needs met.
Krista uses this powerful analogy:
“Imagine one day you wake up in the desert, thirsty, searching for water. You don’t know which direction to walk, and it feels disorienting and endless. Over time, you stumble upon an oasis — a new way of finding what you need. Your brain slowly rewires, learning that there is still a way to get your needs met, even if it looks different now.”
That’s what grief does. It remaps our inner world. It helps our brain and heart integrate a new reality — one that includes what we’ve lost, and what we still carry forward.
The Many Faces of Grief
Grief can emerge in countless ways:
Loss within relationships: breakup, divorce, or estrangement
Loss of health or mobility: our own or a loved one’s
Loss of identity or role: retirement, career change, becoming a parent, or no longer being one
Loss of safety or control: trauma, violence, or natural disasters
Loss of dreams or future plans: infertility, unmet hopes, or changing life paths
Community or cultural loss: displacement, migration, or systemic oppression
No matter the source, grief disrupts connection — both to others and to ourselves. And yet, this disruption holds the potential for profound healing and meaning.
The Waves of Grief
Grief rarely moves in a straight line. It comes in waves — sometimes gentle, sometimes overwhelming.
You might move through the six emotional movements of grief again and again:
Denial – “This can’t be happening.”
A natural pause that gives us time to absorb shock.Anger – “Why is this happening? It’s not fair.”
Pain’s raw expression — often hiding love and longing beneath it.Bargaining – “If only…”
Our attempt to regain control or make sense of chaos.Depression – “This hurts too much.”
The heaviness of realization — an important step in feeling the depth of loss.Acceptance – “This is my new reality.”
Not approval, but acknowledgment of what is.Finding Meaning – “What now?”
The beginning of transformation — when grief becomes a bridge toward growth.
These movements aren’t linear; they’re cyclical. Each wave teaches us something new about love, connection, and resilience.
Feeling to Heal: Emotional Awareness as the First Step
As therapist and author Dan Siegel reminds us, “You can’t heal what you don’t feel.”
Grief demands that we feel — even when it’s uncomfortable — because feeling is what allows healing to begin.
But many of us were never taught how to identify or name our emotions. When feelings stay vague or overwhelming, we can’t process them — and our nervous system stays in survival mode.
That’s why I created the Lokahi Wellness Collective Feelings Wheel — a visual tool designed to help you explore and name what’s happening inside you.
It begins with six core emotions — anger, sadness, fear, joy, disgust, and surprise — and expands outward into more specific feelings like loneliness, frustration, hope, or pride.
Using the Feelings Wheel helps you connect language to experience, which brings the body and mind into alignment. When we name what we feel, we begin to reclaim our power to respond rather than react.
Try this gentle practice:
Pause and breathe. Ask, “What am I feeling right now?”
Start broad. Identify one of the six core emotions that fits best.
Go deeper. Move outward to find a more specific emotion.
Notice your body. Where do you feel this emotion? Tightness, warmth, heaviness?
Name and validate. Say it aloud or write it down.
There are no bad feelings — only information about what matters to us.
If you’d like to explore this more deeply, you can download the Feelings Wheel as a free resource here and use it as part of your daily reflection practice.
How EMDR Therapy Supports Grief Processing
Once we can feel and name what’s happening, we can begin to process it.
This is where EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can be especially helpful.
While EMDR was originally developed to treat trauma, research now shows it’s highly effective for grief. EMDR helps “turn down the volume” of emotional pain, allowing the brain to access what’s known as adaptive information — our innate capacity to heal, reorient, and make sense of loss.
When grief feels stuck or overwhelming, EMDR helps the nervous system reprocess painful memories, releasing the emotional charge and integrating the experience into long-term memory. This doesn’t erase grief; it helps us live with it differently — with less intensity and more meaning.
The EMDR-GRIEF Framework
The EMDR-GRIEF Protocol, created by EMDR Consultant Krista Helman, offers a specialized framework for using EMDR to support clients through grief.
It stands for Grieving, Reconnection, Integration, and Enrichment, representing four key phases of healing:
Grieving – Identifying the specific losses, memories, and attachment disruptions.
Reconnection – Building emotional regulation and grounding skills to safely feel.
Integration – Using EMDR to process the distressing memories and sensations related to the loss.
Enrichment – (Optional) Supporting adaptive connection and meaning-making for those grieving a loved one.
This approach honors both the science of the brain and the wisdom of the heart — helping us reconnect, integrate, and reengage with life in a new way.
Reflection Prompts
You might take a few moments to reflect:
What losses — big or small — am I still integrating?
Which emotions do I notice most often?
How does grief show up in my body?
What might it look like to let myself feel — safely and gently — what’s here?
What meaning is beginning to emerge from my experience?
Final Thoughts
Grief is not something to overcome — it’s something to honour. When we allow ourselves to feel, name, and process our emotions — through awareness, support, and approaches like EMDR — we create space for healing and connection to reemerge.
You don’t have to navigate that process alone. Healing happens in relationship — within safe, compassionate connection.
A Gentle Invitation
If you’re exploring grief, loss, or trauma, I invite you to connect with me. At Lokahi Wellness Collective, I offer trauma therapy and EMDR therapy to help clients process grief, restore safety, and rediscover meaning. Learn more about EMDR therapy by reaching out and booking a consultation call.